Today’s Display of Genius
Posted by TFG on May 25th, 2008
8 Types Of Annoying People You’ll Find Inside Starbucks
When you order coffee, it shouldn’t sound like you’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system. If you’re lactose intolerant, on a strict diet, and can’t handle a full dose of caffeine, how about instead of ordering a “non-fat, grande, soy chai latte with a half shot of espresso and no foam” and then stand in front of the pick up window and pace like one of Michael Vick’s pitbulls watching Vick pull out the rape stand after losing a fight, you just grab a glass of god damn water and drink that. Last I checked that won’t give you exploding diarrhea or anxiety… unless you’re at the Starbucks in Tijuana.
I go to Starbucks for the same reason I go to Whataburger or Taco Cabana — they’re reliable. I’m always going to get what I want, which is hot, thick, fairly-tasty black coffee, served in a sturdy cup. However, at any place that is reliable, you get a certain amount of types who frequent it, too. The one described above is the one I detest the most - the picture with it looks like I’d detest that type, anyway, no matter where I encounter it.
One I’d add. that drives me bat-shit berserk, is the type who stands at the cash register gaping at the way-overly-complicated Starbucks menu board as if they expect our Savior, Jesus Christ, to appear there. Or maybe He already has appeared there, and they’ve been struck dumb. But that’s not it, because they eventually mumble out an order to the serenely patient order-taker. Generally, it’s not as over-complicated as outlined above, either, just shakily unsure of what they’re asking for. If I didn’t know that the physics haven’t been worked out on this yet, I’d swear they were teleported from another dimension with instructions to bring back what their superiours have reason to believe might just solve an existence-threatening crisis in that dimension, and they only have one shot at it. And they only had a couple of days of basic English instruction.
Sbux doesn’t help here by having a menu board that’s about 20 feet long with pretty small type and no obvious eye-catcher that says “Hey, here’s the stuff served in cups! All the rest is extraneous, higher-margin geegaws!”
To their credit, the Whataburgers of the world have taken to putting pictures on their menu boards to assist non-English-reading Americans, and most cashiers (around these parts here, anyway) can translate “numero cinco” fairly rapido. There’s no obvious answer like that for Starbucks, though…how do you picture a chai or a skinny latte?
My solution is a walk-up station for regulars like me who know what they want and need it quickly so they can get on about their day…like a 10-items-or-less or self-check deal at the Wal-Mart. A cup dispenser, perhaps, and a big old urn of regular and high-test. 7-11 in Dallas was pretty good about this, but there ain’t no 7-11s in South Texas - they’re all Valeros, and their cups disspitate heat more rapidly than Peltier cooling (flimsy, too.) All their coffee tastes the same, as well, whether it’s Ethyl or unleaded or whatever fruity crap they’re pushing that day.
I also have to say that the real solution is for Americans and others to become more conscious of their surroundings and politely not enter the order line until they know what they want, but I’ve given up on convincing people not to be obliviously-rude a-holes to the strangers they encounter along life’s path. It’s somehow become devalued among our populace, almost as if everybody is now a NooYawker or something.
OK, then…carry on…that’s all I got today, probably. Gonna smoke a 5lb pork loin I found on sale about a year ago, and watch a lot of racing motorsports…F1, Indy 500, NASCAR Coca-Cola 600. Nice day for gearheads.
Found it via Kramer…
May 25th, 2008 at 10:10 am
I kid you not, at my neighborhood SBux there’s this joker who asks them to WEIGH his fricking latte. If it’s not right, he insists they make it over. I’m telling you, if I were his barista, he would be wearing that thing.
May 25th, 2008 at 10:25 am
I don’t find Taco Cabana consistent - sometimes their fajita meat is good, sometimes it tastes like warmed over shoe leather. God I wish Two Pesos had won the lawsuit, they were do much better.
Once a Wendy’s drive-thru, some guy in a pickup truck with his daughter was lollygagging at the picture menu where can’t order anything. No one in front of him while he was wasting my time showing his daughter the pretty pictures. Ack!!!
I knew exactly what I wanted, it’s quick to make, so I drove around him, ordered, and it was ready when I got to the window. While I was paying, the cashier pointed back at the guy, now at the order mic. He was screaming, “Stop him!!! He butted in front of me!!! He can’t do that!!!”. I smiled and drove off with my food, all in less time than it took for the idiot to place his own order…
May 25th, 2008 at 11:18 am
WEIGH? [blink, blink] I know the employees can’t do it, but has anybody else told him not to be an enormous G–d— dickhead? Like, say, you? I imagine you would be pretty good at that, Rana, and probably make him feel better about himself, quite unlike the way I would do it.
Guy, Taco Cabana for me is one thing only: greasy crispy beef tacos. They’re reliably greasy, reliably crsipy, and reliably beef. I don’t ask too much out of them, and fajitas seem a fair stretch for a stationary taco wagon. I’ll eat their nasty gloppy burritos, too, sometimes. All this is mostly when I might possibly have had an extra couple of cold beers, so my judgement is most probably not the best it could be, heh heh.
May 25th, 2008 at 11:34 am
Hehe. This guy looks seriously unspun. The baristas just get the scale out, weigh the damn thing, and talk to him in a soft tone of voice — you know, the voice you use for jumpers, serial killers, and postal employees? I mean honest to Christ, anyone who wants their coffee weighed? Seriously ass not normal.
May 26th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
“My solution is a walk-up station for regulars like me who know what they want and need it quickly so they can get on about their day…like a 10-items-or-less or self-check deal at the Wal-Mart.”
Bright Idea 73: Each Sbux gets its own short message service address for walkin orders, and pastes the address discreetly at the entrance. You have that address on speeddial, for stores you regularly visit. You have a message already stored with your preferred order, and just call it up and send it. text the order in as you arrive at the store.
This would be killer for drive-up Starbucks stores along the main Interstates. Phone the order in about 3 mile markers away and it’s waiting for you as you hit the exit ramp.
Subway would be a natural for this one too.
May 27th, 2008 at 11:17 am
There is another thing Whataburger has done. They’ve worked the prices out for whatever location so that your total comes out in quarter dollars after tax. Six bucks, Four fifty, Seven seventy-five, etc. I imagine it has to save them a fortune in time at the window and in counting up the tills too.
May 27th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
An improvement on your idea, Fuz: one SMS address for all Starbucks, and they not only figure out where you are but send the order to the closest one and send you a map with directions.
May 28th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
would be acceptable, for a dense urban area where the Starbucks are in a more-or-less even distribution.
Here in flyover country, it might still work cuz many of the Sbuxes here are attached to grocers.
May 29th, 2008 at 8:41 am
I guess you could even do a two-phase process:
- text your order
- you get a response saying “which one? Press 1, 2, 3, 4″
- you press it
- you get a map to 1, 2, 3 or 4.
Is that too complicated? Each one could have their own individual address, too, come to think of it, so if you go there everyday, you only need that one.