I never do blog memes. Never. Annoying PITA.

But Eric is good people, so I’m going to humour him (and only him, so don’t get any ideas about tagging me for any more):

Jen, the sweetheart in charge of Lintefiniel Musing, has tagged me to participate in a new meme (she’s also threatened me if I don’t participate, although she’ll deny it if you ask her, so don’t even bother…but keep in mind that she works in law enforcement). Here’s how it works:

(The following is a C&P from the Songstress) Ogre here has created a new meme (not that I needed another one) and has been tracking its progress throughout the blogosphere as sort of an unassigned research project… Fascinating stuff, really [ed: fascinating if you're a web hippy].

How this works: Immediately following there is a list of a bunch of different occupations. You must select at least 5 of them (feel free to select more). You may add more if you like to your list before you pass it on (after you select 5 of the items as it was passed to you). Each one begins with “If I could be…” Of the 5 you selected, you are to finish each phrase with what you would do as a member of that profession.

Once you’re done you get to tag three people you think will actually respond - and would have a good answer. Oh, and by all means, don’t forget to trackback to this post… and to Ogre’s original post so he can keep tracking the progress of his little creation.

If I could be a scientist…
If I could be a farmer…
If I could be a musician…
If I could be a doctor…
If I could be a painter…
If I could be a gardener…
If I could be a missionary…
If I could be a chef…
If I could be an architect…
If I could be a linguist…
If I could be a psychologist…
If I could be a librarian…
If I could be an athlete…
If I could be a lawyer…
If I could be an innkeeper…
If I could be a professor…
If I could be a writer…
If I could be a llama-rider…
If I could be a bonnie pirate…
If I could be a servicemember…
If I could be a photographer…
If I could be a philanthropist…
If I could be a rap artist…
If I could be a child actor…
If I could be a secret agent…
If I could be a comedian/comedienne…

So here are my five:

• If I were a musician…I’d be Lloyd Maines protege’ on the pedal steel, since I’d pretty much have to know how to play a regular guitar if I could play the pedal steel. Lloyd is in my top 5 of Texas Musicians, even if he is Natalie’s daddy. The guy is unparalleled as a producer and a player, and he’s a playa in Texas Music.
• If I could be a chef…I’d open a gourmet hamburger joint. Not foofy gourmet, but catering to the expert gourmet. The hamburger is the pinnacle of American cooking, and it’s waning as a staple food item is distressing. On the menu would be the thin-patty burger and the thick-patty burger, two or three different breads, five ten kinds of cheese, and a gajillion toppings and condiments. Fries would be the old-fashioned, thick-as-your-finger kind, every order fried fresh, with jalapenos and onions. Might have onion rings, might not. A Cuban sandwich would be available, as well, provided I could find a good Cuban bread supplier. We’d do open-face, too, for the carb boys.
• If I could be an athlete…pro tennis player, pro golfing dude, or MLB closer. But back in the 70s-80s, though. Too much pressure today, even for all the difference in money. And I would have retired to life of writing books and articles and occasional teevee appearances. A smarter John McEnroe — like that.
• If I could be a philanthropist…I’d fund universal reading classes starting at the age of 3, with a free book every week, till you get out of high-school. I’d hire super-smart people to make recommendations, but they’d do book reports to me, in person, so I could make sure they weren’t just going through the motions.
• If I could be a secret agent…I’d be a bajillionaire privateer type, sort of an international Batman, or Doc Savage. Wreaking havoc amongst evil-doers, making the world safe for democracy, so everyone could grow up in a capitalistic, democratic republic, like me (since they can’t all be Texans, after all.)

Now I understand that I’m supposed to tag somebody. My blogroll is full of independent mavericks (except for a few web hippies), so I don’t know. I’ll spread it around:

• From the Poker Blogger bunch, who else but the man I used to be, dear young Al Can’t Hang (currently living it up (unencumbered by the spousal unit) in Key West.) He’s a bit of a web hippy, so he might do a dumb meme.
• From the music world, who else but my lovely bride, who’s never done a blog meme in her life.
• From the Big Brain dept., my smarter little blog-brother with the Ph.D., Kevin Whited, of the extraordinarily lightly-updated Publius, TX, since he’s sooooooooo dang busy being on radio shows and blogging about every single word printed in the Houston Chronicle and this will annoy him in return.