Wondering what beer-can chicken is, TFG-style? Here ya go:

• 1 frier (don’t get a roaster, but it’ll probably work out if you forget)
• red pepper, aka cayenne pepper
• ground black pepper
• case of beer
• grill
• mesquite wood chips, soaked in water

1. Open beer. Drink, quickly.

2. Open another beer. This will be your “prep” beer.

3. Open another beer. This is the beer that will go on the grill, so drink half of it, and set aside.

4. Sip from your prep beer.

5. Unzip the frier from the vacuum pack. Wash off outside and inside of the yardbird. Whoops! Scoop out the livers and giblets and whatever other spare parts are packed in the cavity. Reserve for future use if you’re poor, or throw away if you’re rich. Feed to dogs, if they’re that kind of dogs.

6. Big ol’ gulp from your prep beer after surviving the cavity thing.

7. Place nekkid bird on cutting board.

8. Liberally sprinkle both red pepper and black pepper on the bird. I pretty much cover mine up. Pepper is cheap. Don’t forget the other side!

9. Nice long sip from the prep beer. This might be a good time to finish it off, too, and get a new one.

10. Get your grill going for INDIRECT HEAT (VERY IMPORTANT, that indirect stuff). This is where the new beer comes in handy, cuz it’s hot outside, and we don’t want you dehydrating. The Man says you’re gonna need to maintain 300 degrees for 2 hours. So whatever get’s your grill to that point. It’s easy on the propane models, and requires a little more practice or eyeballin’ with charcoal or smokers. It helps if you have one of those little thermometers deals that tells you what the temp is inside the grill. On my New Braunfels drum smoker, I’ve learned that the right amount is 4-5 pounds of quality charcoal. It’s chicken, after all, and you don’t want your relatives reading about you and the family in the papers, so overdoing it is better than underdoing it the first few times (it’s a $4 chicken — you’ve got room to experiment.)

11. Back to the kitchen, and don’t forget the beer. While the flames are dying down (or the propane is heating up), we’re going to violate the yardbird.

12. Take the grill beer (that’s the one that you only drank half of), and dump some red pepper in there. About a fistful if you’re from Texas, maybe less if you’re from Minnesota. Depends. I guess you could add other spices, if you’re of a mind: garlic, rosemary, I dunno. For me, it’s pepper. Why bother with that other stuff?

13. Here’s where it gets wacky — you’re gonna stick that beer can up the yardbird’s butt. And you can’t spill any beer. So pick up said bird by the neck, and maneuver it down on top of the can. It’s imperative that you use the rearward cavity, as the drumsticks act as a the second and third legs of the balancing tripod (beer can being number three.) Plus, the neck hole is too small. It might become necessary to stick your whole hand in the bird to seat it correctly on the beer can. This is harmless, as you can wash your hands.

14. Take a big ol’ glug off your current prep beer. Sometimes at this point, I just take a moment to call the wife and kids, or even folks walking by on the sidewalk, into the kitchen to see the bird sitting up and saying “Hi”. It’s really visually absurd.

15. Now the dull stuff. Put the bird on the grill, breastesess side facing the heat. Chunk some mesquite on the coals. Cook for two hours at 300. Keep chunking mesquite on, and keep the smoke flowing. Drink some more beer. When you open up the cooker to chunk in the wood, make sure someone is around to marvel at the upright chicken. Like I say, it’s good for a few laughs, even for me, even after years of doing this.

16. While the yardbird is cooking, drink some more beer, blog a little bit, leave some snarky comments on leftie blogs (or appreciative comments on rightie blogs if you’re in a good mood), maybe watch the ballgame if you started this too late or your hometown 9 is playing a day game. Heck, read a book. If it’s a good one, though, you’ll forget to put the mesquite on, and you won’t get a good, pink, smokey bird. I recommend surfing and blogging.

17. Two hours later, pull it off the grill. Make sure you get a good laugh out of the now-browned bird sitting upright on the grill. Slap it on a cutting board, quarter it, and there ya go. Dinner!

Theoretically, the beer steams up into the boid and carries the moisture and the spices in it up into all the boid for the duration of the cooking. It’s worked for me for a while, and it is a moist bird. That’s why I recommend the spices, too. I hate chicken because it’s so flavorless, but this method does some infusion dealio that makes every bite tasty. Don’t make the mistake of not eating the skin, either. All the fat has cooked off it, if you’re worried about that kind of thing. It’s smokey and peppery and crispy - delicioso!

I usually throw some corn on the cob on the grill for about thirty minutes, too. Use the fresh kind, still in the husks. Some of the “experts” will tell you to peel the husks down and take off all the silk then wire the husks back into place. Baloney, says I. Just put ‘em on the grill for thirty minutes, turning about 15 minutes in (or more often if you’re the meddlesome type, like I am.) I find that the silk comes right off after steaming in the husks, and is not a problem. Butter, salt, pepper to taste, natch. Land’O'Lakes Whipped butter, but I’ll let you decide on that.