Can I just take thirty seconds of your time and tell you how GDMFingSOBing sick I am of ESPN and their stoopid ESPYs? I don’t much care that a bunch of jillionaires are sitting around patting themselves on the back — it’s what jillionaires do. But I am about to pull an Elvis and shoot the teevee. The commercials for their little televised jerk-off session are driving me insane. Michelle Kwan is a face-painted Raider fan. Terrell Owens is diving in the water for a Barry Bonds homerun. Some other dork from the NBA is involved somewhere they’d never be in a million freakin’ years. Please. Don’t insult me.

Am I just too old to at least smile at these? Feh — you kids get off my lawn!

Good lord! The poor bastard, all sick and stuff, and basically just an amateur* having some fun, is completely beaten down. I can remember the Good Old Days when I actually emailed SDB and got a response. That happened several times. I’ve refrained from that for some time now, becuase he keeps showing those server logs, which are spooky-huge.

Whatever you do, let the man get some rest.

* I’m defining an amateur here as someone who loves doing something so much, he’ll do it, not just for no compensation, but will spend massive amounts of money because he loves doing it. In that sense, I am an amateur rancher. But at least I’m covering my expenses.

Not exactly burnt, but less than satisfactory. I’ve been smoking a brisket all day, and the end result is pretty dull. My problem was that I started with too hot of a fire, thanks to some lame internet advice (LIA). LIA recommended using 10 pounds of charcoal to start with in your basic kettle grill. My smoker* is about twice the size of a kettle, so 10 lbs. it was and I figured I’d jump it up if I needed to. Well, fellas, 10 lbs. of charcoal will generate 400 degrees of heat for two solid hours, pretty much ensuring that your brisket is gonna cook too fast and dry out. I can’t imagine what that would generate in a kettle grill with a domed lid — gotta be close to 500, which is smelting-the-Terminator territory. In retrospect, I should have pulled Mr. Brisket off the grill when I saw 400 on the thermometer, and put it back on later. That would have meant dining on said brisket about 10 pm tonight, but hey! It’s a 9 pound hunk of meat, and it’s never too late for good smoky beef.

Sandwiches and brisket tacos are about all I’m gonna get out of this, but that’s OK. They were buy-one-get-one-free at the Albertsons. So the next one will start with maybe a pound of charcoal…or just straight hardwood. Low and slow, babies…that’s the ticket to good eatin’.

As an FYI, I made a beer can chicken last night. It’s just unreal how juicy that chicken is, and how crispy the skin is. A trick I learned is to put about 2 tablespoons of cayenne pepper in the beer can with the beer. All of the meat is infused with it from the steaming beer, ending up with a very light peppery zing on every bite. Scrumptious!

* My smoker is a New Braunfels model that somebody left on the campground after the last festival. All it needed was a fire grate, some of which my brother dug out of the barn. Sweet! Much nicer than what people usually leave behind: shoes (typically only one), busted lawn chairs, the back seats of older models of sedans. Poopy underwear. OK, that last one was more than you probably wanted to know. Sorry. Enjoy your dinner!